This week turned out to be even more proof of my desperate need of grace. Multiple celebrations in one week and one major breakdown all reminded me that I need grace at my highest point just as much as I do at rock bottom.
The 14th of May is a super important date for David and I. It’s the anniversary of the day he asked me to marry him. It’s been three years since he dropped to one knee on the dirt road that led to his house and changed my world forever.
I was completely taken by surprise. I honestly had no idea that he was planning a proposal or that he even had a ring. We’d only been together for five months so an engagement was not something I saw in the near future. But, standing there in leggings and a sports bra, my hair in messy bun and not a trace of makeup on my face, he gave me the surprise of a lifetime. I always thought I wanted a proposal in front of everyone I knew, or at least a lot of on-lookers. But, having that moment exist only between he and I is such a sweet memory. The words he spoke as he looked up at me are mine to cherish and I love that he was the only one to see the shock on my face as I finally realized what was taking place.
We had a short engagement — five months seems to be our limit on everything. But those months of being his bride-to-be were so incredibly special.
There is an ironic element to our engagement story. On May 14th 2016, David asked me to marry him. But, on May 14th 2015 I was a recent college grad with a severely broken heart. My boyfriend at the time had just dumped me over the phone and I was still in shock at how messed up the entire situation felt. This was supposed to be the one. The one that would never break my heart. The one that really loved me this time. The one that I was meant to be with. And, yet, there I was…mourning the death of our relationship.
I was a wreck for that entire summer. Whether I showed it outwardly or not, I was seriously hurting and sleep never came easily to me during that season. I questioned God a lot during that time — surely He meant for us to somehow get back together because if had let this relationship die then he had seriously messed up — at least, that’s what I kept telling myself.
Thankfully, there was grace for me in that season. And even more grace waiting on the other side. Time healed my heart. And time brought me to the person I was really meant to be with, the one God had planned for all along. Boy am I glad that He doesn’t answer “yes” to all of my prayers. The blessing of being married to David isn’t something I would ever risk missing out on.
If you’ve been following along for any length of time, you might be familiar with these types of stories from me. I tend to have these emotional come-a-parts quite often. This is another reason I need loads and loads of grace.
And they always happen in the kitchen. Don’t ask me why.
Saturday was a fairly normal day for us. No major stress issues present. But, I’d been bottling up some things that were destined to spill over.
So, Saturday night, close to midnight, I had a full break down in our kitchen. And David, as he always does, gave me the stern voice and the comforting embrace that I needed. Once again, I had let my perfectionist mindset totally take over. And for hours I’d been wrestling with thoughts about how I’ve let him down as a wife, how I can’t seem to excel in anything I do…all the typical self-pitying thoughts that are neither productive nor necessary. Part of me needed to be comforted in that moment, consoled. But the part of me that was deeply focused on self needed a firm and scriptural come-back-to-reality talking to. And that is exactly what David gave me.
These types of breakdowns are just something I’m wrestling with right now. I haven’t figured out how to overcome them quite yet. But, each and every time I experience one I come away with these two thoughts: I will never not need grace and the more I focus on self, the more depraved I become.
Everything from this week has just reinforced the idea that perfection is not something worth chasing. But, a never-ending pursuit of grace, mercy, and God’s will is the answer to most of life’s issues.